Just as we know that the terrorists hitting the World Trade Center in New York, and the Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia, was the result of a grand conspiracy cooked up by that conspiracy savant, George W. Bush, we also know that Adolph Hitler did not commit suicide in the "Fuhrerbunker" just 24 hours after marrying his little frauleine, Eva Braun. After some seventy years of being the henpecked Herr Fuhrer, he might have wished he did.

Not long ago, the former dictator joined a group of senior citizens on a scenic tour of America. He was looking pretty good for 119 years old, but he admits that he is no Mick Jagger, and can no longer goose step like the old days or give those rousing speeches we've all come to know. He won't be playing "Mein Kampf" when he's 140.

We started the tour in New York, where Herr Hitler marveled at how the New York Times has become an even better organ for propaganda than his old charge Joseph Goebbles could have dreamed of. "The New York Times," said the former Fuhrer, "is a great example of fascism at its best."

Another passenger on the motor coach, Studs Terkel, famous socialist author, declared that the New York Times hardly presents a conservative or right wing point of view, and that somehow Herr Hitler must be mistaken.

"Oh, mein Studs," chucked the former goosestepper, "Fascism is fascism. Remember, I headed the National Socialist Party."

Later on the tour, the group shuffled in to watch a session of the US Congress. Here the representatives talked in very polite tones to each other, especially in the Senate, where they addressed each other as "distinguished" gentleman or gentlelady. Back in the cloakroom, before members of Congress appeared on television, is where they let their true feelings out, and Frau Eva Hitler narrowly avoided getting embroiled in a fist fight between two opposing Congressmen. When those same Representatives appeared on television in the evening, it was to announce a bi-partison effort to combat global warming and hate speech. Both the Republican and the Democrat advised the American people that they will have to fall lock step into believing and acting on the global warming gospel, and that to oppose saving this wretched earth was a kin to hating the planet, and would not be tolerated, even though both were obviously extremely tolerant and compassionate themselves.

Herr Hitler, enjoying a little pony bier, smiled when he heard this and gave Studs Terkel a nudge.

The scenic tour skipped over the South and the Midwest, because, as both the East and West Coasts know, there is nothing but empty space and towheaded people living there, who know nothing, but like to shoot their guns and cling to religion.

Arriving in Hollywood was probably the biggest highlight for the Hitler couple Sean Penn tripped over Steven Spielberg, who had pushed Naomi Campbell out of the way. It seems that the old dictator is finally getting his due from the stars. After years of sidling up to Fidel Castro and now Hugo Chavez, they are tracing the liberal fascism they so admire back to the source.

Penn, ever the gregarious, slapped the aged fuhrer on the back. "You are the man!" said Penn. "We see now where you were coming from, with the Jews and all that. Naomi was telling me the other day that no Jews were in those Twin Towers when the planes hit. You were right all along!"

Stephen Spielberg, who formerly claimed that meeting Fidel Castro constituted the most important eight hours in his life, was ecstatic and wanted to make a documentary of his life after being a dictator. "This man knows how to turn up the heat," said Spielberg. "Just look at who he has influenced."

It turned out that on this nice Spring time day, April 20, it was Herr Hitler's birthday. All the stars sang, with Harry Belafonte in lead and Robert Redford, Shirley MacLain, Alanis Morissette, Leonardo DiCaprio and many other in the chorus.

"Day --O. Day -- O. Hitler come may he never go home."

The song ended and the stars bunched around Adolph and Eva for the unveiling of his Star on the Walk of Fame.

"He is soo one of us," said Sean Penn.